It feels so good to be appreciated!
Recently I learned about a new kind of appreciation. I gained a healthy appreciation for life, my family and most importantly "time."
I had a scare. It wasn't a big one, but I had some pain, had it checked out, and found out that I had a lump in one of my breasts. They biopsied it and it came back benign. Overall, it was a very quick, relatively non-invasive ordeal. The doctors and nurses were so kind and accommodating.
From day one when we knew something wasn't right, my husband was positive and supportive. I was ignorant, to a certain degree, and mostly in denial. Things had been rough this year and this just seemed to be the cherry on top of my "pile of crap" 2015. Although the statement "ignorance is bliss" does hold a certain weight, it doesn't last long. It all started with an ultrasound and that gave a certain amount of caution to whole situation, but no reality I could grasp. It wasn't until I went in for the biopsy when I realized this could be life altering.
I was so terrified, I was shaking.
I'm sure my blood pressure must have been through the roof! After the procedure I waited somewhere near 29 hours before I got the results. During the waiting period I did a lot of thinking. Thinking about my life, my son's life, my husband's life. The things I have and haven't done. The Christmas' I've had and the possibility of this being my last. I did a lot of thinking. I spent a lot of time stepping back and observing how I reacted in conversation and actions. I thought about my home and my dogs. I even thought about my work and my clients. I had more negative thoughts, but did everything in my power not to go "there." I didn't tell anyone who didn't immediately need to know. It was hard to talk about. How do you share something that could easily be nothing? It's a very weird place to be in. I chose not to share it with everyone because I didn't want the struggle of going through it publicly when I didn't even really know what IT was that I was going through. Mostly it was just a lot of thinking and when that was done, more thinking.
I began to look at things differently. IF the worst were to happen and I moved on from this world, how would my family remember me? For those closest to me, would those memories be positive? Would my son remember all the time I spent with him or all the time I spent doing other things? Would my husband remember the time we spent together or would he resent the time we wasted doing simple things like cleaning house and running errands?
It mostly boiled down to time. How am I spending my time? Am I really appreciating the time I have with those I care most for?
I've got to say, it was the longest 29 hours of my short 28 year life.
I got the results three days before Christmas. The nurse who called me was so excited she practically yelled the results. While I didn't have anything more to worry about and no further surgery was necessary, it still left me thinking.
I still have a lot to think about. Continually thinking and evaluating has changed my days since then. It hasn't even been a week. I'm sure this mindset will eventually fade, but for now I'm going to appreciate it. When I spend quality time with those I love, I'm going to appreciate it more. Capture more memories and hold them closer. When life becomes an IF, all you think about are those closest to you and your memories. Not your things.
As ready as I've been to put 2015 behind me and try to forget the hard things I'm now ready to appreciate them for what they were. Appreciate that things weren't worse. That I'm still here. My family is here with me and that we have new adventures ahead of us and new memories just waiting to be made.
