A New Appreciation

In my line of profession I tend to get a lot of appreciation from my clients.  They come to me with hopes that they will feel better.  They leave with a glossed over look in their eyes, a smile on their face, and they feel better.  They always say "Thank you" either with words, a tip, or a hug.
It feels so good to be appreciated!
Recently I learned about a new kind of appreciation.  I gained a healthy appreciation for life, my family and most importantly "time."
I had a scare.  It wasn't a big one, but I had some pain, had it checked out, and found out that I had a lump in one of my breasts.  They biopsied it and it came back benign.  Overall, it was a very quick, relatively non-invasive ordeal.  The doctors and nurses were so kind and accommodating.
From day one when we knew something wasn't right, my husband was positive and supportive.  I was ignorant, to a certain degree, and mostly in denial.  Things had been rough this year and this just seemed to be the cherry on top of my "pile of crap" 2015.  Although the statement "ignorance is bliss" does hold a certain weight, it doesn't last long.  It all started with an ultrasound and that gave a certain amount of caution to whole situation, but no reality I could grasp.  It wasn't until I went in for the biopsy when I realized this could be life altering.
I was so terrified, I was shaking.
I'm sure my blood pressure must have been through the roof!  After the procedure I waited somewhere near 29 hours before I got the results.  During the waiting period I did a lot of thinking.  Thinking about my life, my son's life, my husband's life.  The things I have and haven't done.  The Christmas' I've had and the possibility of this being my last.  I did a lot of thinking.  I spent a lot of time stepping back and observing how I reacted in conversation and actions.  I thought about my home and my dogs.  I even thought about my work and my clients.  I had more negative thoughts, but did everything in my power not to go "there."  I didn't tell anyone who didn't immediately need to know.  It was hard to talk about.  How do you share something that could easily be nothing?  It's a very weird place to be in.  I chose not to share it with everyone because I didn't want the struggle of going through it publicly when I didn't even really know what IT was that I was going through.  Mostly it was just a lot of thinking and when that was done, more thinking.
I began to look at things differently.  IF the worst were to happen and I moved on from this world, how would my family remember me?  For those closest to me, would those memories be positive?  Would my son remember all the time I spent with him or all the time I spent doing other things?  Would my husband remember the time we spent together or would he resent the time we wasted doing simple things like cleaning house and running errands?
It mostly boiled down to time.  How am I spending my time?  Am I really appreciating the time I have with those I care most for?
I've got to say, it was the longest 29 hours of my short 28 year life.

I got the results three days before Christmas.  The nurse who called me was so excited she practically yelled the results.  While I didn't have anything more to worry about and no further surgery was necessary, it still left me thinking.
I still have a lot to think about.  Continually thinking and evaluating has changed my days since then. It hasn't even been a week.  I'm sure this mindset will eventually fade, but for now I'm going to appreciate it.  When I spend quality time with those I love,  I'm going to appreciate it more.  Capture more memories and hold them closer.  When life becomes an IF, all you think about are those closest to you and your memories.  Not your things.
As ready as I've been to put 2015 behind me and try to forget the hard things I'm now ready to appreciate them for what they were.  Appreciate that things weren't worse.  That I'm still here.  My family is here with me and that we have new adventures ahead of us and new memories just waiting to be made.

The Benefits of Choosing

The Benefits of Choosing

How do our choices dictate who we are? 

What I mean is, when we choose to do something, whether that’s choosing where to eat or what to read, how does this shape us in the other aspects of our lives? 

By choosing to run to daily, I’ve created a routine for myself.  I’ve become a creature of habit.  In doing so, when my routine is thrown, my life becomes less predictable and more chaotic.  In some cases straying from this routine has proven to have a positive outcome.  In other cases, not so much.  BUT, by making the choice to run everyday, I also choose how and when I do other things.  It forces me to prioritize, dictate, and ensure progression with my daily tasks, work, and even food choices.  

Sound a little far fetched?  That’s because it is.  My life choices aren’t because I run.  More so,  because I start my day with one specific choice I am then presented with a unique challenge.  How do I run within my time limit, shower, prepare for the day, get to my appointments on time, choose a healthy, yet quick lunch, maintain a level of professionalism through the 3:00pm slump, and then go about the rest of the day? 

In an average day, one person may make hundreds or even thousands of choices.  From as little as what to wear, to as big as what to invest in.  But each choice, each small act of making that final decision to press forward one way or the other then changes how we make our next decision.  For instance, if I choose to forgo breakfast so get to another task faster I may experience a lack of energy.  This lack of energy may follow me around throughout the day, making my other decisions hasty, poor, and consequential. 

Remember those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books?  You would read a chapter or two to get the basis of the story.  Then at the end of the chapter you’d be faced with a decision: “To continue on into the dark cave, turn to page 34” or “To go back to the village and search for help, turn to page 15.”  You could read the book multiple times and rarely have the same ending, yet it was all one book that resulted in usually less than 100 pages.  It’s all about choices.  Sometimes the adventure would end quickly and, I might add, most disappointing.  Other times the adventure could go on for a while.  

In your own life, when you make a choice do you ever think about the effect it may have on anything else or do you wander through your day making choices without a second thought?

So, once again, I will ask “How do our choices dictate who we are?”  Or better yet, “How do our choices dictate what becomes of who we are?”

For All My Besties...

Kristin Armstrong simply stated, "Good girlfriends bolster and honor all other relationships and every task on our to-do lists.  Therefore, we are actually harming ourselves and all our other priorities when we let our friendships slide, because then other relationships are forced to take on weight that was never intended for them."

That really got me thinking.  How often do we wrongly prioritize our relationships? There are days when my schedule is so full, I consistently worry about making the next appointment on time, or how I'm going to fulfill that commitment when I'm having trouble even finding time to shower.  Now, factor in my relationships with close family, then friends.  It's overwhelming.  It's like that vacation you spend months preparing for.  It's all you can think about and it never truly leaves your mind, but there's a little piece of you that wonders if the stress of "making up for lost time" is even worth the break.  But then when you finally step off the plane, dig your toes into the earth, and take a deep breath.....you know it was worth it.  This is how time spent with my friends feels.  It's time I don't have available in my schedule.  It either takes away from family time, or work time, let alone the "me" time I'd hoped for months ago.  It's hard to even imagine being able to relax and enjoy myself with such a full plate.  Yet, when I arrive, settle into a few hugs, and open conversation, I wonder what I was even stressed about.

I love my husband and son very much.  They are my world.  If I lost everything, but them I'd still be grateful, happy, and content.  They're the rock I hold firm too.  But they can't support all of my needs.  Just like myself, they too need things I cannot provide.  Friendship is an amazing thing.  My friends are so valuable to me.  Each of them possess something special that helps to shape me as a person.  We complain, brag, grieve, take and give advice, and listen to each other in ways no else would understand.  Sometimes, you just need a girlfriend to listen, hug it out, and offer a warm and comforting smile.  There's nothing quite like it.

I've come to learn that friendships come from odd and mysterious places.  I've had my fair share of failed friendships.  Looking back, I've learned two things.  Either they were toxic and were not the kind of relationship I wanted, or they were one-sided.  It's so hard to put a value on a friendship, but sometimes you need to step back and evaluate.  Ask yourself what this relationship is doing for you as a person.  Are you bettering each other for the good?  Is the burden even and transparently clear?  Or does one person have ulterior motives in mind?  Once you can weight out the "health benefits" then you can decide what's worth the effort, and what's causing more effort than it's worth.

Over the past few years, I've had the ability to watch my son grow from a smily, albeit chubby, infant, to a handsome and charismatic young man.  He's developed relationships of his own.  Though he's still young, he's honest and open about what he needs and his friends are accepting and put judgement aside. They understand each other and respect the other person's boundaries.  It is the purest definition of friendship. And the door swings both ways perfectly.

Friendship isn't always laughter and fun.  There's hard days, difficult situations, and heartbreaking moments where we all must decide where we stand and how much of ourselves we are willing to give to the other person.   It's a life lesson I'm proud to say I've failed at, as well as succeeded.  But my friendships are constantly growing.  Every day my husband and I grow closer.  My girlfriends and I learn new things about one another and in return I learn new things about myself.  My family and friends have aided in shaping who I am and who I will consistently choose to be.  I owe them everything.  There's few things I wouldn't do for any one of them, but hey...that's friends are for, after all.